HerKind.com

Trust is a huge problem for me. In that mixed up way where you trust everyone because it’s in your natural, original heart to do so. But you also trust noone. So you give and take back all at the same time and leave your friends and lovers wondering if their coming or going. And you feel enormous love and pain all at once. Joy becomes too intermingled with terror and wariness and it’s hard to live in this one moment of your life for fear of what the next one holds. And you wear yourself right to the bone with the knowledge that you are so fragile inside when outside you seem so strong, so impenetrable. When people tell you you’re hard to reach you think how impossibly untrue that is. Only it’s true to them. And you still can’t get to the deep down place of truth where it’s okay to say, listen, you’ve got it all wrong. I am not that hard. Inside the shell is jelly--soft, malleable, gooey and it’ll cling to you if you’re not careful, if I’m not. And also inside are some big huge hollow holes of wanting. And fear of everything that I want.  So I tell people, I’m afraid to get on an airplane but I’m not afraid to give you my heart. But that's not entirely true. Because I’m not really giving it. I’m offering it up broken, and asking them to heal it. And that’s no gift.

November 2001