HerKind.com

Some words, no matter how beautiful they sound have negative connotations. Apart from their meanings I mean. Sometimes the way we use them or say them reveals a shadow meaning.

Melancholy is one of them. There are several definitions that are variations on a theme - sadness, depression, gloominess. Melancholia goes further, meaning a mental disorder that is characterized by prolonged depression and despondence. Sounds horrific, doesn't it?

I love the word melancholy but I hate the shadow meaning that implicates melancholy is somehow a self indulgent state of mind.

I prefer another meaning of the word: sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

I'm not trying to be a word nazi - something I have occasionally been accused of. But a commenter to my blog called me melancholy and I found myself feeling slightly offended. (they then went on to suggest I was experiencing mid-life crisis, a phrase whose concept I generally disagree with, but that is a whole other topic!)

I was writing about Vancouver, something I do a great deal. Not only because I miss and long for its beauty, but also because my time there was among the most important periods of my life and living there changed my outlook. personally and about life in general. It was a transforming time for me and I never want to forget its lessons and the person I became under its influence. I try hard not to idealize all this, easy as it is to do, but sober thoughfulness is alright by me.

Perhaps we all have a Vancouver, and if not, we should.

Here's what I believe:

Life is full of ups and downs, losses and wins, joys and hardships, all of which bring lessons. It's impossible that it is only always one thing. Coming through darkness into the light may be hard the first couple of times around - your first couple of break ups, watching parents divorce, not getting into the university of you aspired to, or failing to land the job of your dreams, losing a loved one. Eventually you discover how to deal with it all, and the biggest gain is the knowledge that this too shall pass and you will be stronger for it.

SInce I believe that all this is normal, and shouldn't be denied, but rather accommodated, I also believe in a thing called Life Pain and I think the longer we live, the more of that we accumulate. Sometimes it's just there, keeping you company for an hour, an afternoon, or evening. Sometimes it reveals itself in dreams. 

There are times when I write about this concept, or through it. To mixed reviews. Some enjoy my personal reflection because they think it points to a universal or at least relatable truth. Others think I'm indulging myself.

So be it.

I'm an emotional person who has learned not to squelch that character trait. Anything else ends up making me sick or anxious and to me that is entirely more self indulgent. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could allow myself to feel my feelings, instead of intellectualizing them. These revelations were and are important to my life as a woman, and a writer.

Lately, I've been wondering about the wisdom in keeping a public blog that reveals a lot about my life. As a writer though, it makes sense to practice the craft in what I have learned and had success with as my strongest writing voice, the confessional, and to keep up the momentum through this outlet. I guess it opens me up to criticism and personal privacy breaches. .

But anyone who thinks they know all about me by reading what I write here doesn't realize the greater truth about writers. We have a lot at our disposal and in our arsenal and anything truly is fair game.

But that doesn't mean we use it all.

I prefer to not worry about what you may read here because I know there's a lot more inside of me that I only reveal to those closest to me.

So read, or don't. Agree, or don't. Judge or accept.

Either way, I'll be here writing.