HerKind.com

Lonely is so taboo. Lots of people are afraid to own up to it. It’s funny what happens when you tell people you feel lonely. Either they ignore the statement altogether, or, somehow feeling responsible, they make excuses as to why they aren’t giving you more time. Neither is ideal since you’re not saying it for effect. You’re simply stating a fact, or maybe explaining your own inability to connect. I think it’s really a part of the human condition or maybe a sign of the times, and I’d be very surprised if more people weren’t feeling it daily whether they are with people or not.

So, why are we so damn afraid of it?

There`s a fine line between alone and lonely that can be hard to understand. I spend a great deal of time alone, I`m selfish and greedy about my time alone. Many years of trial and error helped me figure it out. I like to shop alone, watch films alone, I enjoy cooking for myself, I prefer to sit at a bar alone some evenings.

But not always.

That doesn`t mean I blow responsibilities or social opportunities off. It just means I need a certain amount of rebooting, can keep myself occupied and once in a while prefer my own company even outside my home, since I find it just seems easier to meet new people when I`m on my own. None of that is a problem and I can usually negotiate my time well. The problem occurs within me and the reluctance I feel to give up my status of “loner.” Which is maybe why I don`t have a problem saying I feel lonely when I do. It`s perhaps a way of explaining that just because I need time alone doesn`t mean I don`t also need time in connection with others. Lots of people misunderstand this and consider it a contradiction, I suppose.

I`m sure that`s the way it seems.

At base a loner is what I am, and also who I am. But lately I`ve been wondering if that is by nature or necessity. Maybe I learned this because of too many hurtful experiences trying to be with people. Maybe loneliness has too much defined my life, and I`ve developed a compensation for it. Maybe the compensation has defined my life too and made it difficult to attract my kind so that I might trust not being so alone.

See what I mean?

Sometimes too much time alone is counter-productive and simply just not healthy. I get worried about that part. All those studies that find people in isolation become sick. A person needs a minimum amount of touch in their lives, some of those studies say, and I can`t say I reach that minimum most days. That`s why it’s easy to become susceptible. And decisions, large and small, made from vulnerability because of loneliness are never good decisions.

I grew up in a mostly volatile atmosphere of extremes. Someone was always angry or sad. Happiness and even calm was suspect and only meant a big bad thing waited around the corner. I never want to be a person who enjoys or functions in those extremes. That`s why a long winter is difficult for me because you get absolutely desperate for warm breeze, a bud, a green leaf, a chance to be outside. It makes you yearn for other things you`ve been missing for far too long. It`s too confusing. I can`t deal with the heightened energy of the first spring day in Toronto. It unsettles me. Some people like that feeling. I used to thrive on it. I`m much better with a steady pace in all things, anything else overwhelms me.

Sometimes it`s easier to be alone that try to explain to people why, when you look like such a social and un-shy person and they really have a hard time believing you`re not, that it can be difficult to be around people and lots of activity. Why some days it`s just better to not even try to go out or talk to a soul.

But not everyday.