HerKind.com

Nov. 7, 1997. Found my mom dead of a heart attack - not over the shock of it yet, though it's been eleven years since then. She was 76, not young, but not yet old.

I know that in itself is a shocking way to start a blog post, but some life events just don't fade and can't be forgotten, the best you can hope for is to take tiny steps forward over the years. After all, no mother lives forever.

Very tiny steps.

Eleven years of lots of news I can't tell her, many decisions without the wisest cousel, a whole bunch of conversations I just don't bother having because there's just noone better on this earth to talk to.

She was mom but she was also the best friend I've ever had, particularly in the last few years, a person who was always for me, pushed me to achieve, and celebrated when I did. And loved me no matter what.

Now that's something.

Her death changed my life forever, and while it's no longer a desperately sad feeling, there's still an empty unfillable place inside me. It's just there and probably always will be.

I think about her a little everyday but today I can't escape it, so why bother trying?

I have a feeling that I haven't honoured her and her life enough anyway. It can never be enough.

You know, some people tell me they begin to think of their dead loved ones as guardian angels or some kind of presence looking over their lives and somehow guiding them in the right direction. Maybe if I could believe in that it would make a day like today easier.

A special woman, enormous light in her, the widest brain, she gave many people comfort and also made them think. She had many heartaches, all borne with grace and determination. There's never been a better example of how to live in front of me.

I had 37 years with her and a million more wouldn't have been enough...