HerKind.com

I've had an extremely solitary weekend, and yet everywhere I went - whether to the local cafe to work on writing or to the local coffee shop to pick up a latte, people were talking about relationships. Now I'm a world champion multi-tasking eavesdropper, comes with the writer territory so I can pretty much rhyme off entire conversations, but I'll just convey the gist.

A gentleman sitting beside me in the cafe was breaking the news to his female friend that his marriage was breaking up and that he was skipping town to pursue his dream of working on the slopes at Whistler. He was young so might have had what pop-culture now calls the "starter marriage." Apparently this separation had been a long time coming, and his main concern was that he had made no progress in his life in the last year since his relationship hit the skids. They were selling the condo and going their separate ways because they "wanted different things in life."

The next day, in the same cafe two youngish men (late 20s, early 30s) were talking about their women. One was married and the other was getting over a long time girlfriend (still not over her by the sounds of it) and starting with someone new. The seasoned married guy asked this key question: "have you introduced her to your friends?" His feeling was that you need to get a feel for whether or not a woman meshes with your friends, with your life. If yes, she gets the go ahead. Also, he talked about how his wife spurred him forward to make decisions, that they talk a lot about the future and what they want from life together. (he later complained that he got yelled at for doing the dishes, not too sure what that was about but relationships are filled with day to day pettiness - I guess it's all in how you deal with the mundanity of it all sometimes, mundane being a good thing at times because it equals comfort, which is a commodity for which we all strive).

I like to hear men's conversations. I think many women would benefit greatly from hearing what they say to each other, unguarded. They might be surprised to know that men want many, if not all, the same things women want. They just use different words. But I also feel alien to these types of conversations. In my experience, women mold their lives to fit a mans, so of course she's going to do everything to mesh with his family and friends, his interests and ideas. That can become a problem.

But maybe my age shows a bit here. As well as my inexperience. I have never had a relationship where I believe I was being tested for the duration, for marriage, there's only been a day to day quality to any situation I've ever been in. Insecurity permeated every one of my relationships on both sides. A testament to my unreadiness and usually his. And my inability to choose from a mature place. That was just as much me as it was the lovely men (not sarcasm) who have been in my life. I've spent a long time being a bit of a female anomaly - a commitment-phobe.

What I know now and what I want to tell these young men is Life Is Short. There will be a time you'll look back and wonder if she was the girl that got away. Or guy. That's not a reason to do it, but it might be a reason to give someone another chance.

At the moment I'm writing a piece of fiction loosely based on my experiences in the love/dating world called Girl on the Side - so you get the idea. I'm intensely writing it this month as part of NaNoWriMo (national novel writing month) where you write every day for 30 days until you have a full manuscript at month's end. So, my own love-life - and all its ups downs, mistakes, triumphs - is front and centre right now. Though I have to admit, the character in my book will fare much better than me and hopefully will not end up living a far too solitary life at age (almost) 48, never married, no babies, lots of loneliness which is sometimes easier to deal with than others.

(not trying to bum you out, thems the facts sisters and brothers - dealing with loneliness adds character I think - and loneliness doesn't only visit single people and often has nothing to do with singleness)

The other night I sat at one of my favourite Toronto hotel bars, The Consort Bar at the King Eddy. I go to hotel bars when I feel like being out in the world but don't want to feel conspicuous drinking alone. Hotel bars are full of out of towners and no-one thinks anything of a solo patron. I walked in and sat down at a table that had a paper lying on it, figuring it was free. Soon enough a gentleman approached and I realized I had taken his seat. No matter, we sat together. He was in town to meet a woman he'd been talking to online. We chatted about the experience. I've tried it, as well as matchmaking, but again always felt a little weird about it. I have nothing against it all... I just hate dating. I prefer to meet someone and build a rapport and hang out. It could be my downfall. Clearly it is.

I'm not complaining. I've been enormously lucky with men. I've known some extraordinary ones and wish them all well. It would have been nice to be with at least a couple of them long term, but... Sometimes chemistry is not enough, timing is wrong, or I bolt! I suppose I should fix that part! It can be difficult to mourn lost love and no progeny when you know a lot of it is your own choice.

Tonight I listened to Guy Talk on CFRB, a program for and about men hosted by my friend and colleague Dale Curd, a men's therapist. The topic was dating. Do men hide from it? (not sure, do women?) Do women and men approach it differently.

I daresay the answer to the latter question is yes. But what often gets overlooked in talk shows, articles and TV chat shows is that there is a fraction of the population that have just opted out of it. Maybe they think it's too late, maybe having never met a guy who wanted to marry them, they just have too much fear to try again (speaking personally of course).  They still aren't sure about their choices. They worry about settling for less, and if they do, why couldn't they have done that before. They fear making big decisions out of a lonely place.

I can't say I was ever a good dater, and it isn't something I actually actively think about doing. It's all so contrived. It's all so purposeful. I guess that's normal. But whatever happened to just letting life happen.

And as a good friend once said to me in consolation, "you do realize it's all random!"

My hotel lounge companion of the other night was around the same age as me and not yet married (I'd say never but that is a judgment and there's enough of a misconception about us out there). I'm not immune to wondering why, knowing of course that many people wonder that about me. Or just assume they know something they couldn't possibly know without asking. So I asked him. And, as expected he had a pat answer, but also a very true one. He hadn't met the person yet. Is he picky? I don't think so. If he is, why shouldn't he be? That by far is the silliest response to anyone single, you're picky. Geesh!

It may be late in life, I may be more than halfway into it but that doesn't mean I will ever sacrifice true compatibility to have what the rest of the world seems to have (unless you believe the latest Canadian census numbers where married with children is in the minority now). Sometimes it just takes a while to meet our princes and princesses.

Right?

Lately I've been thinking that the commitment-shy (and plain old shy) person in me can take comfort in the fact that if I hook up now for life, it will be a 20 year commitment rather than a 40 year one. That's a little easier to deal with!