HerKind.com

A few years ago, working as a producer on a morning television show in Vancouver I was asked to book a woman called Anne Brecht. She had pitched my boss her story adding that she was about to break national American TV with an appearance on Oprah. It seems her husband had cheated on her and going public about it was going to help any number of women in the same boat. My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me was a self published book recounting the marriage, the affair, how she found out, her meeting with the mistress, the reconciliation, complete with an apologia chapter by the husband and one by their daughter - a real family affair.

I really, really did not want to do the story - couldn't he find another producer to bring this crap to air? Not that I don't think it's a valuable topic given the show's mandate, but I just didn't buy this particular story. Once I pre-interviewed this scorned wife, I felt even worse about giving it all the stamp of approval by producing the segment. Nevertheless, we always do our best to please our bosses and he wanted to scoop Oprah (which, by the way, I thought was a likely story).

So, into the muddy soup that is infidelity I dived. I barely remember the details but I do know that this woman was so impressed and triumphant that she was more attractive than the other woman - a fact to which, it seemed to me, she desperately clung. When she arrived for her (live) appearance, the rueful husband in tow, it became clear to me that his penance for the affair surely must be participating in all her media interviews in order to assure her over and over again that he would never again stray. A very public emasculation, highly tolerated these days.

I didn't think for one minute that they'd stay together.

In fact they did enjoy a brief appearance on Oprah, and Montel or one of the others. Good thing we got the scoop! (insert sarcasm - for readers who don't know me)

This came to mind when I read a headline in today's Globe & Mail, High infidelity: Men don't stray just for sex. Author, psychotherapist and rabbi Gary Neuman, also an Oprah guest, has written a book called The Truth About Cheating:Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It. The article includes a Q & A that produced this opener:

You keep reiterating that cheating is not about sex.

Only 8 per cent of the men said that sexual dissatisfaction at home was a primary contributor. The No. 1 answer, 48 per cent, was emotional dissatisfaction at home. And that fit with another amazing statistic: 88 per cent of the men said the mistress was no better-looking or was not in better shape than their own wives. It's not about sex. It's much more about a lack of thoughtful gestures at home.

So, looking as good as or better than the mistress is completely besides the point.

I might go further than that and say this whole article, and book and effort to understand infidelity tendencies is besides the point. When I had to do that segment years ago, I researched infidelity by the numbers. At the time the stats in the U.S. were basically 70% men, 60% women. Yes, there you have it, women cheat too and in nearly the same percentage points. So, why are we always talking about men cheating?

And beyond that even, in stark contrast to even 20 years or so ago, infidelity is tolerated and even expected in our culture. So, you see, why PEOPLE cheat is... because they can. Such a eventuality, or shall we say, practice is no longer a marital deal breaker. I am by no means saying it's right. But I also am not buying into the great Pollyanna lie of our culture. It's happening, it's tolerated, there are elements to it that are maybe even sort of a normal aspect of human nature.

And...

We all play a part in it - the men who cheat, the women they cheat with, the women who stray and the men who are their accomplices. No one should get off guilt-free.

What a person has to decide is if they can live with their choice. True or unfaithful. Once or continually. Or never.

A larger question however, is why is there still so much pressure to settle down at a certain time (other than the pressure of the ticking biological clock), despite the evidence all around us that there is not only one way to live? Maybe if we were more measured in our choices from the start, we wouldn't be pulling in record numbers of infidelity stats.

Or maybe, this is just the way our culture is leaning. Either way, myriad books about how to prevent it won't make one iota of difference.

And please, equal opportunity to the wayward, not so fairer sex women! I for one am tired of men shouldering all the blame!